Is life hell without us even realizing it?

What is a toxic relationship? Recognize warning signs and act correctly

by Carolin Banser
A toxic relationship isn't all bad and unhealthy. The truth is, toxic relationships can make life hell. Escaping from this is anything but easy. Only a few manage to take off unharmed. How to tell if you're trapped in a toxic relationship and how to break out of it.

Toxic relationships are treacherous. The sad thing is that people who are in a toxic relationship mostly know about their fate and yet cannot change anything about it. At GALA you can find out why this is the case and which tips you can use to free yourself from this emotional imprisonment.

What are toxic relationships?

A toxic relationship describes partnerships that drain us of strength and energy. In which we fight constantly. A relationship in which we are mostly sad and dissatisfied. In short: Toxic relationships are connections with people that, instead of making us happy, make us unhappy. This means that it is not the relationship per se that is poisoned, but rather the behavior of the partner that can have a poisonous effect on a relationship.

And what is a toxic person?

You can tell relatively quickly whether you are dealing with a toxic person. Because a toxic people always leave you feeling uncomfortable in us, without being able to describe exactly what triggered it. We just instinctively feel that the contact wasn't good for us.

What is toxic behavior?

To the toxic behaviors belong:

  • Escalation of conversations
  • Obstinacy, incorrigibility, lack of insight
  • Crossing boundaries and presumptuousness
  • Assignments of guilt
  • Spreading lies
  • Applying emotional pressure
  • manipulation
  • Jealousy and resentment
  • ruthlessness

Toxic behavior is fundamentally wrong. And yet most of those affected let it go. Because they fail to break away from toxic people. A clear sign that they are in the middle of a toxic relationship.

How do you recognize toxic relationships?

You feel bad in toxic relationships, but you still can't break free from them. If the other person threatens to break up, you even panic for fear of suddenly being alone. Because without noticing it, you are in one emotional dependence slipped. A first sign of a toxic relationship. But there are numerous other indications that will be examined in more detail below.

You should pay attention to these alarm signals:

  1. Addiction
  2. Change of character
  3. Premature declarations of love
  4. egoism
  5. Control addiction
  6. Devaluation, insults, humiliations, insults

1 addiction

In a toxic relationship, a lot of things no longer happen voluntarily. We are no longer ourselves, we are always anxious to please our partner to appease him. We're letting through a lot more than we should. We endure insults, looks, reproaches, breaches of trust, lies and much more. We tolerate aggression. We allow ourselves to be blamed. We'd like to finally go out with our friends for an evening or pursue our hobby, but the partner accuses us of not spending enough time with him. And instead of following our needs, we back off and skip our dates. Although this desire for more time together puts us under enormous pressure.

2 change of character

Also Changes in personality are indicative of a toxic relationship. If we were happy, extroverted and balanced at the beginning of the partnership, over time we become more and more closed, sad and tense. You can't do anything right in a toxic relationship. The other person makes us small and dependent. Our self-esteem is down. We stamp through life like a grief.

3 Premature declarations of love

Eternal love and the three magic words - who doesn't want that from a relationship? Yes please, but not after three weeks. How credible can a person be who seems to know after a short time that it is great love? That there is a kinship in the partnership? And you can never be without the other again? Having a crush is a wonderful feeling, butterflies in the stomach are completely normal in the love phase. But big vows of love are exaggerated, not authentic and, above all, not honest. This idealized idea only exists in the head of the toxic partner.

4 egoism

The speaking authority always rests with our partner. His opinion, his principles, his rules are what matters. If we manage to gain free speech for a moment, the toxic partner will immediately nip that attempt in the bud. He will find a way to regain the attention he lost for a split second. The conversation immediately becomes one-sided again, our feelings and our opinions are irrelevant.

5 control

The toxic partner is a good listener. But be careful, this impression is deceptive. First and foremost, he only wants one thing: to know everything about us so that he can control us. He inquires about our needs and satisfies them. It gives us the feeling, "I'm the right one." We should feel complete. And exactly when we do that, the toxic partner opens up other sides. And makes our life hell. He will have us to ourselves want, isolates us from our friends and families, especially when they notice that something is wrong with us.

6 Emotional stress (devaluation, insults, humiliations, insults)

Toxic people will put their partner down emotionally, stress him out. Leaving him alone with their problems at night, robbing him of sleep. A toxic person will hurt his partner, take his frustration out on him, fail to clear up misunderstandings, make no concessions, make him small and ridiculous, question his skills, destroy him. Be aware of one thing, whatever you do, you are guaranteed not to get it right.

Why on earth do people slip into toxic relationships without even realizing it?

How do toxic relationships arise?

It sounds paradoxical, but:toxic relationships start wonderfully. Too good to be true ("Too good to be true") - no other proverb applies so well to the beginning of a toxic relationship. There is an intense merging into a "we", we experience the feeling of having arrived. We are happy about a happy relationship. And although everything started so wonderfully, we will soon experience martyrdom. The partner will start nagging at us, constantly criticizing us, reproaching us or keeping angry silence. And it will not take long and he is already questioning the once perfect relationship.

A toxic partner becomes more distant, almost unreachable. All security and liability disappears. The healthy partner gets into a vortex of despair, nervous stress and emotional distress. The toxic partner will take advantage of this insecurity and will only start with nasty things now. He will put his counterpart down in order to build him up again later and to bind him to himself. And in doing so, he will make it completely clear to his partner that he is to blame for the whole chaos, that he can be glad that he has not yet separated, that he is grateful that he is still with him and can endure it. And the healthy person will think it must all be up to him. That he is the exhausting one in this relationship, complicated, worthless. A healthy person in a toxic relationship does not notice that he has long since become the victim of pathological, manipulative behavior.

Why do people behave toxic?

Toxic people are a mess. They hate themselves, but instead of dealing with them, they pass these bad feelings on to their partner. The partner acts as a kind of projection surface. He transmits his sensitivities so that the partner feels humiliated, guilty, worthless, desperate. The toxic partner does this to get rid of everything he hates and to get what he lacks: strength, life energy and attention. He knows that the more he hurts his counterpart, the more he gets in return. Toxic people barely feel themselves and pass on their unresolved pain to others. Everything that you cannot feel yourself, let your partner feel it. This allows a toxic person to survive: he discards all repressed content and emotions.

Toxic Relationship What To Do

Healthy people simply cannot believe that something like this will be done to them, that people are even capable of such emotional abuse. That the person who should love her is capable of such cruel deeds. Needless to say, any attempt at explanation on the part of the healthy partner is unnecessary. The toxic partner will twist the words, roll their eyes, make it clear that there is no need to talk. A toxic partner is never interested in resolving a conflict. A healthy person cannot rectify these injustices, knots and contractions, but he still tries again and again. But how can the circle of a toxic partnership be broken?

Wake up and question

Wake up! Go inside yourself. Instead of wanting to get rid of your negative feelings and fears, embrace them, become one with them, face them. Review your dream relationships. It is helpful to list all the good and bad aspects. Formulate your expectations of the partner and a partnership. If you recognize a contradiction between your wishes and the current situation, then ask yourself the question of whether you really still want to accept that.

Play through the last two months in your mind. What was good, what was bad? Are the good and bad phases in a balanced relationship? The 80:20 rule applies here. If the majority of the time is plagued by grief, stress and pain, the relationship is no longer good. Have you ever asked yourself the questions, "Is this person doing me good?", "Is he bringing out the best in me?", "Is there more criticism than compassion in my relationship?" Answer these questions honestly. Most importantly it is actually realizing that you are suffering.

Stay strong

A toxic relationship makes you blind. Consult your family and friends and let them open your eyes. And very important: stay strong. Once you realize that a breakup is the only way, hold on to it and don't bow down if the toxic partner tries to persuade you to stay - nothing will change! Draw a line with everything that goes with it. There is always a risk of relapse. Does your ex-partner want a friendship? Absolutely no way. Friendship only hurts. Break the contact. Here, too, your family and friends can support you. And last but not least, you mourn. As long as you have to. Just don't forget to look ahead again at the end of your grief. Psychotherapy can help you come to terms with all the negative events and strengthen your self-esteem.

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