All men want to go out with models

1. WE LIE TO YOU. BECAUSE YOU WANT IT

You can't stand the truth at all! My ex-girlfriend is the best example. She showed me two dresses and wanted to know which one to wear for the evening party. I Volldepp carelessly pointed to a black mini dress without realizing the damage I was doing with it. My friend spoke fewer words all evening than the Terminator on his extermination campaign. Reason: I should have pointed to the red dress because she had only bought it the day before. Aha.

2. WE LOVE WHEN YOU TAKE CARE OF US

A man has to be male, that's what is expected of him. And to be honest, that's pretty exhausting. That's why we think it's nice when we're a little bit dulled from time to time. It reminds us of our childhood in mom's arms, when everything was simple. For this reason we also act as the dying swan when we are sick. “You remind me of my mother” is not an insult, but a compliment.

3. WE CANNOT REFUSE WOMEN WHO CRY

Before reading any further, you must make a very firm promise not to misuse this information. I know enough women who can cry at the push of a button. I Agree? So: Men have a strong protective instinct that makes it impossible for us to argue with a woman when she is crying. I call this the Bambi effect because women are similarly delicate creatures to us. And you don't put the shotgun between the eyes of a fawn and pull the trigger. And this Bambi effect is also a reason why we apologize, although we are not aware of any guilt: the main thing is that you stop crying.

4. WE WOULD CHEAT YOU ...

... if we got a guarantee that you'd never know. Because men don't have to be in love to have sex. It's like watching TV and playing soccer. And even if that sounds very tough now: FC Bayern would also be bored if they had to play against the same team over and over again.

5. WE HATE YOUR BEST FRIEND

Men do not want to be friends with women (please send complaints to: [email protected]). Sorry, but you don't play football and (mostly) don't watch the “Game of Thrones”. So your best friend is either gay or loves you. You're shaking your head right now, right? Just. That's why we never complain. We'd just look like jealous slippers.

6. WE ARE NOT SERIOUSLY SORRY

We just say this so that peace can finally reign. Why are we hiding that from you? Otherwise there would be another argument. But I understand that this insincerity annoys you. Sorry.

7. WE DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU GIVE US A HANDJOB

After all, you don't give your friend the make-up box in order to have him put on your make-up. And why don't you do that? Because you know you would look horrible afterward. The same goes for handicraft. After many years of daily practice, we are world class in jerking off. You will never be that good. Rather focus on your strengths. And ... um ... by that I mean fellatio. Unfortunately, we cannot do that ourselves. And believe me: we tried.

8. NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY: WE PEE WHILE STANDING

Sorry, there's nothing more humiliating than being told how to do your business. The only thing missing is the girlfriend knocking on the bathroom door in the middle and calling out: “And wash your hands afterwards, Spatzi!” A man wants to feel masculine. And that's why we of course pee standing up in the shared apartment. It's also much more practical. And then we look in the mirror and say, “I'm still a whole man. Tschakka. “But only very quietly. Not that you are still suspicious ...

9. WE MASTURBATE - EVEN WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER WITH YOU!

My ex-girlfriend was already furious when I drove to Ikea to buy a desk without her. “I guess I'm bothering you,” she said, and I had to bring two cuddly pillows to calm her down. If I ever confessed to her that I would have orgasms without her, I could populate an entire hotel with cuddly pillows. That doesn't mean anything. Often we do this out of boredom. For example, I've been brooding over this text for so long that I've masturbated in between to distract myself. Oops, I hope that wasn't too much information now?

10. WE LOVE SILICONE BREASTS

Or rather, what they stand for: Anyone who blows 3000 euros into his bosom is definitely as dirty as piggy babe. That's why nuns don't have artificial breasts. I often hear from women: "They are so tough." Feels like solid modeling clay. So what? A washboard abs too, but you never complain about that. But both look better - at least if the breast was not operated on in a Ukrainian backyard. Unfortunately, the silicone breasts are so sensitive that you shouldn't grasp any more tightly in the practical text. It's a shame. But there is always some quirk.

11. OUR BEST FRIEND DOESN'T KNOW WHAT INTIMATE SHAVE YOU HAVE

A few weeks ago, I had sex with a bar acquaintance. The next day, I was sitting with my buddy Basti at McDonald’s and told him what I’m going to tell you: “She had a small mole between her breasts and an intimate strip as wide as a tongue.” Because boys tell each other everything. But only about minor affairs. We'd never tell about a woman we're serious about. Out of respect and because I don't feel like my horny buddy has my girlfriend naked in front of him when the three of us go out.

12. WE DO NOT WANT YOU TO BE SUCCESSFUL

A man's self-esteem is as puny as a Smurf biceps. That's why we fish with topless photos for compliments on Tinder and Instagram and get annoyed when you get promoted. Not out of envy. But because we love you. You always say you want a man you can look up to. What should you admire us for when we earn less than you do? Of course you shouldn't refuse a raise for us. But maybe you will find a new way how we can make ourselves indispensable for you? Suggestion: Be awkward and give your friend the feeling every now and then that without his manual skills the apartment would collapse.

13. WE PRETE ORGASMS TOO

I envy you. If the sex is bad, you can climax for your partner and the spook ends after a few seconds. It's much more difficult for us. We have to go through with it if we don't want to hurt your feelings. Except: We use a condom. Then we moan briefly like a wounded bear and then flush the loafing bag down the toilet before you realize that it was empty. In defenseless lovemaking, your friend could only do it like my buddy a year ago: spit on the bed sheet. But nobody is that stupid. Except for Basti. Finally, of course, the dizziness is immediately noticeable.

14. NO, WE DON'T LIKE YOUR NEW SHORT HAIR STYLE AT ALL

I have a daring guess: deep in our unconscious lies the fear that we might be gay. This is of course totally silly and homosexuality is nothing to be afraid of - but this is the only way I can explain to myself why we don't like women who are too well trained or who prefer to wear soccer jerseys instead of skirts. The same applies to short hair: too manly. So: leave them on. We love long hair.

15. WE LOVE IT WHEN YOU HAVE A PROBLEM

Because then we can shine as saviors. I lived next to Sabine for a year and never dared take her out to dinner. Until she whined about her master's thesis at the mailbox. My heart danced limbo with joy under my rib cage as I watched like Bruce Willis after saving the world. “Well, I can proofread it,” I said, and I was really happy that I didn't add another “baby” to it. She got a two and out of gratitude she invited me to the Italian.

16. WE HAD MUCH LESS SEXUAL PARTNERS IN FRONT OF YOU THAN WE REPORT

I recently clicked through all the mixers on amazon.de for an hour and in the end decided on the model with the most customer ratings. Men are like mixers. If only a few women have rated us as “fuckable”, you are still wondering: What's wrong with that?

17. YOU ARE ONLY THE SECOND MOST IMPORTANT WOMAN IN OUR LIFE

We are a little embarrassed that we are mummy's boys. But mom gave me life. Sarah just a green sweater for her birthday. Mom still loved me when I failed school, Nina cheated on me with her boss. Mom used to comfort me when I fell. Melanie laughed at me the other day when I fell off my bike. To ask?

18. WE HATE IT WHEN YOU WALK IN THE BATHROOM WHILE WE ARE BRUSHING YOUR TEETH

Because that destroys the magic that surrounds you. Point!

19. WE ARE AFRAID OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN

Mara was a model, and I admit: When we got together, I was as proud as Oskar. I enjoyed the envious looks from the other men when we went to a restaurant together. I thought that was great. Except when Mara has gone out alone with her friends. Then I was worried that one of the stilts would speak to her and she would like it better. Because he has more humor, muscles, or money. I then spent 200 euros on nutritional supplements and went to the gym every day for five weeks. Then Mara broke up because my constant control SMS was too exhausting for her.

20. WE DON'T DARE TO END

Because men are actually pony riders and plaster wearers who are afraid of confrontation. For example, my buddy Basti was only with a woman for two years because he didn't know how to break up with her. Instead, he only visited her once a week for sex and got pointlessly drunk at her brother's engagement party. But she only broke up after two years. There are things that you can do better than us. But sometimes you still can't do it fast enough ...