Is it worth it to suffer
“What a stupid title, why should suffering be worthwhile?” You may be asking yourself.
And yes, this headline is provocative, and yet I think suffering is worth it can.
Because I have had the experience very often that only a certain "degree of suffering" leads to the fact that we are ready for the change that we need in order to become happy and healthy.
The intervals of suffering become shorter, the willingness to suffer less
During the first few years of my eating disorder, I would rather have died than show someone what I actually looked like.
Outwardly I functioned, was nice, in a good mood and very comfortable for others. But this spectacle had a price ...
I ate up all the negative thoughts, feelings, and experiences and found my life puking.
And that's exactly what I did. Secretly, of course.
I was very ashamed and condemned for this. Both in turn fed this negative cycle.
I suffered extremely from my behavior and all the secrecy and the apparent failure made my inner suffering worse and worse.
And that meant that at some point my suffering was greater than my unhealthy pride.
Slowly and timidly, I began to open up and talk.
And that brought some relief ...
... and shortly afterwards more suffering again.
However, this taught me that it is crucial whom you yourself how opens and with whom man how talks.
On the one hand, it was important not to pretend to my mother that everything was okay.
On the other hand, I initially assumed that it was her job to make my suffering less.
I expected that you Food locked away and above all that you me total understanding.
If only she understood me and changed herself accordingly, (almost) everything would be fine!
This was my new belief that made me suffer again. Because on the one hand I made myself dependent on her, on the other hand I didn't want her to worry any more, so I put myself under pressure. So the suffering on both sides didn't really get any smaller.
Not to mention the fact that at this point I obviously didn't understand that the food wasn't really my problem ...
The cycle of suffering
But at some point I realized that this relationship of dependency that I had entered into had always been there.
As my mother's problem child, we both carried a heavy burden:
She felt guilty and therefore believed that she had to lose as much weight as possible from me!
I, in turn, felt guilty because she felt guilty about me and worried all the time!
And without wanting to, my mother also conveyed to me through her behavior that I just couldn't do it alone.
Recognizing this mutual dependency on suffering eventually led me to look for a self-help group and a therapist.
And so I learned that I was not alone with obsessive-compulsive thoughts about food and my weight.
In addition, I repeatedly experienced how relieving and helpful the exchange with like-minded people can be.
And I began to recognize and question the real causes of my suffering.
Again and again there were phases in which the suffering became so great that I just act had to.
And that's why at some point I made a conscious decision to go to the clinic.
I still see this decision as one of the greatest gifts I have ever given myself.
All the experiences in the clinic were "healing accelerators" for me.
Suffering or living?
Because after that I was even less willing to suffer. And that's why I became more and more willing to look honestly.
Finally, I was able to make the almost impossible possible for me and separate myself from my mother.
I realized and understood that I was not the real cause of their suffering and that I am not responsible for them.
But that's exactly how I saw that I was responsible for my suffering.
I understood that in general I shouldn't expect others to change (for me).
Firstly, it doesn't work and, secondly, it always keeps me dependent.
And I no longer expected myself to be different (for others).
I stopped suffering and started to live.
And the eating disorder starved to death.
Learn from suffering and you will live!
greetings hungry for life
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