Self-love brings true happiness

Self-love - the key to happiness and contentment

Almost everyone has mental, emotional and even physical problems
a common deeper cause. It doesn't matter whether you suffer from depression, fears, burnout or negative feelings or e.g. dissatisfaction. A look inside can solve the causes. It takes a little courage - but it's worth it.

What is self-love, how do we implement it?
How do we know if we are in it or not?

Emotions and physical well-being are good guides and help. Any kind of negative or bad feelings are signs that we are at this moment inwardly distancing ourselves from ourselves and having a wrong belief system.

For example, a common false belief is that we believe that others are responsible for our feelings. In doing so, however, we are releasing responsibility for ourselves to the outside world. Behind our "bad" feelings there are always our own experiences and the beliefs that are connected with them.

Our internal wounds

Our own "inner wounds" and our pain usually have their roots in childhood or in other previous experiences or experiences. In many cases, our parents did not give us the affection, attention, or understanding we would have wished for as children. From this we deduced that the way we are and were, we are neither lovable nor okay. However, this is only a belief pattern of the so-called "false self", which has more or less built up in every person over the years. As children, we had no other way of finding alternative explanations for the behavior of our parents or the people who hurt or let us down.

Since we work according to the “thinking-feeling-acting” model, every “evil” always begins in the head. Thoughts determine our feelings and these ultimately determine our actions. It usually happens that our early childhood “misinterpretations” become a fixed belief system in adulthood and are the cause of bad feelings and even psychological and physical illnesses.

Feelings from the wrong self are e.g. jealousy, self-doubt, devaluation, judgment, worthlessness, depression, boredom, despair, dissatisfaction, guilt, sacrifice, hopelessness etc. Basically, however, every feeling that makes us feel bad ultimately comes from the false selves out.

The wrong beliefs behind them are responsible for the bad feelings, which the false self has manifested over the years and according to which most people still unconsciously "function" in adulthood. The list of false beliefs is endless. For example, some very common false beliefs include:

  • "Only when I do everything perfectly am I lovable,
    I get recognition, praise and confirmation. "
  • “It's the fault of the others that I feel bad
    or I have to get angry. "
  • "I am not worth anything, I am not lovable, I cannot do any of this."
  • "When I control or manipulate others,
    then they cannot control me. "
  • "If I show my feelings or open my heart, then I get hurt."
  • "Hardness equals strength."
  • “The feelings of others are more important than my own.
    It is selfish to put me first. "
  • "Others determine through their behavior what I'm worth or how I feel."
  • "I don't need anyone, I can do it all by myself."
  • “Only what you can touch and see is real.

For a while, the false self with its beliefs protected us from harm. In adulthood, however, most fail to correct these false beliefs. This is where the real suffering begins, because with the resulting behaviors, e.g. severity, self-devaluation, stubbornness, lovelessness, etc., we begin to move away from ourselves bit by bit. Beliefs determine our thinking, our feeling and consequently also our actions.

How do you end this vicious circle?

Everyone should find their own way here. Working with your own “inner child” is very effective and helpful; there are many specialist books with practical applications. The book “Reconciliation with the Inner Child” by Erika J. Chopich & Margaret Paul in connection with the woman takes off mask is highly recommended. In this book, among other things, the false and the true selves are explained in detail. There is a possibility that the inner adult will reconcile with his inner child so that old "wounds" and inner injuries can be worked up and healed.

He can become aware of when, where and how he internalized corresponding beliefs and beliefs and how he can correct them.

An example:

False Self Assumption:

Only when I do everything perfectly will I be lovable, and will I get recognition, praise and confirmation.

Assumption of the true self:

I am loved for who I am, regardless of how I do something.

You can also seek the help of a psychologist or a trained life coach, as you often have a kind of "self-blindness" and a neutral or objective self-assessment is usually difficult. A homeopathic or bach flower therapeutic treatment, which can support the dissolution of corresponding beliefs and behavior patterns on another level, can also be helpful. You can find information about relevant procedures and therapists on the Internet, a very large, nationwide portal is e.g.

Loving behaviors towards ourselves (the "true" self)

It is only natural for your false selves to feel resistance to one point or another. This is where you should pay attention, because you are at the right place, especially where you feel resistance. Take a special look at this point and try to be as honest with yourself as possible, as this is the best way to give yourself the opportunity to learn and develop. Take these points as a guide and check for yourself which things you have already implemented and which still need action or improvement.

Positive outlook on life (trust in life)

Everything that happens is for our best, even if it doesn't seem like that to us sometimes. Try to learn to accept unpleasant or negative-seeming events at first and trust that they make sense. You may not be able to recognize this at the moment, but you will be able to recognize it later.

Life is a kind of school, each event serves to mature and learn. For example, if you are given notice of termination, it may help you get into a much better job, or it may lead to another change in your life that is ultimately positive. Instead of lingering in negative thinking, doubt, or anger, stay in confidence. Learn to find the positive in the negative.

An excerpt from an ancient Chinese story also illustrates what it is all about.

The son of an old farmer fell from his horse and broke his leg. The villagers pityed the farmer and said: “Oh poor boy, such bad luck that your only son was injured and can no longer work.” The old man shook his head and replied: “Don't say that, you never know what's in this one Life, bad luck and what luck means. ”Soon war broke out and all young men had to go to the front. Only the old man's son was allowed to stay at home because he couldn't walk well enough.


In terms of self-love, it is important to learn to forgive yourself and others. Sometimes we judge our own mistakes and weaknesses more severely than those of others. In this way, however, we are unable to forgive ourselves and feelings of guilt and / or self-reproach arise. In the opposite case, we rate others rather harshly without realizing that everyone has faults and weaknesses.

Often we even have the same mistakes or weaknesses that we can blame or not forgive our counterpart.

Here, however, with every judgment against the other we are pronouncing a judgment against ourselves. With that we are far from self-love and self-acceptance. So before we scold others, we should learn to grab the tip of our noses first. Basically, we are only bothered by things about others that have to do with ourselves in some way. This is where the mirror law works (see section Personal responsibility / criticism). Learn to recognize yourself in others and forgive others and thus yourself generously. Problems with forgiveness and the associated behavior and belief patterns can be a cause of high blood pressure, among other things.

individual responsibility

Try to always take responsibility for yourself. It is not up to others to decide whether you are angry or hurt. You always have a choice, no matter how you behave towards you. That doesn't mean that you have to put up with everything or accept all behavior. You can also set boundaries calmly and respectfully without inflicting violence or harshness on yourself or the other person.

If someone else's criticism or behavior hurts you, it is always an indication that you deeply believe the criticism is right. In such a case, one of their wrong beliefs was confirmed from the outside or this was activated by the behavior of a person. Basically, you can be grateful for incidents like this because it tells you what you think of yourself. At the moment when you have corrected these false beliefs or have adequately dealt with them, you will evaluate external events as "neutral" and no longer directed against yourself. So someone can only hurt you if you are willing to hurt yourself and as long as you have internalized wrong beliefs.

Another important aspect of personal responsibility is criticizing or devaluing other people. First of all, you should generally only give criticism and / or advice if the other person asks, because everything else is meddling in matters that are basically none of your business. You should always come to your own front door before you want to tidy up with others. This is where the mirror law comes into play. People who upset us, who we criticize or the like, always reflect our own aspects. Either exactly the same weaknesses are mirrored to you or the opposite ones. For example, a rather taciturn, shy guy might get upset about someone who constantly wants to come to the fore. This is just an indication for the shy person that he is dissatisfied with himself and at the same time judges himself for not coming out of himself. Basically the opposite weakness is mirrored to him.

He could resolve this if he takes personal responsibility for his weakness and works on himself. For example, he could practice approaching other people, overcoming fears and insecurities. In general, you shouldn't judge yourself or others, but learn from situations and find out what they might have to do with you. Every devaluation of another person is accompanied by a devaluation of oneself, even if it is the opposite weakness.

We all have “shadows”, these want to be recognized, seen and initially accepted and integrated, since we cannot be “whole” and “whole” if we push these parts away from us or transfer them to others. The next step is "healing", the shadows / weaknesses should be worked on and positively resolved to the extent that you or others (e.g. jealousy) feel uncomfortable with this weakness. It is neither about perfection nor about faultlessness, but about living happily and content with yourself and others.

Set limits

Find out when and where you might sacrifice yourself for others. It's important to put yourself first and also learn to say no when it feels like a "no". Of course we should and may help others if we really feel like it. However, one should not treat, save or analyze others. Of course you can express your own opinion without wanting to impose it on the other. Advice, on the other hand, about what and how someone should do something, even if well intentioned, has something to control and is also an indication that you are taking on responsibility that is not yours at all.

Your counterpart should make their own decisions. It often helps to just listen or ask questions so that the other person can find more clarity for himself when making an upcoming decision. Likewise, a false sense of duty or pity is out of place. You are allowed to sympathize, but you should not suffer and you should primarily feel an obligation to yourself and not to other people.

Everyone is responsible for themselves. If you do not do something for someone out of a good feeling and voluntarily, you should rather refrain from doing it and find the courage to say “no”, stand by it and set yourself apart as lovingly as possible. This also applies if other people treat us disrespectfully. Here too, demarcate yourself lovingly, yet clearly and distinctly. "Loving" means not to devalue or judge your counterpart if possible, but to stay with yourself and your own feelings and express what you want and what you don't. We often confuse hardness with strength. Pressure usually only creates counter pressure, so try to delimit yourself gently but still firmly. You will reach your goal faster and sooner than with harshness, violence or condemnation.

Inner voice, inner child, heart decisions and self-confidence

The “inner voice” has unfortunately become very “quiet” in most people because the beliefs of the false self dominate. If you work through your past and the associated false beliefs, you automatically get more access to your intuition (“gut feeling”) and your “actual” desires. Working with the inner child in us brings back joy and enthusiasm for life. Learn to trust the impulses of the inner child and also your intuition, which is connected to your heart.

Gratitude, appreciation, respect

We should always treat other people, animals and things with respect and the way we want ourselves to be treated. Our dealings with ourselves and others should be as appreciative and accepting as possible. In everyday life you quickly forget to appreciate things, e.g. the roof over your head, the food that is available to us, your partner, friends etc. If you recall these things from time to time, be grateful for them, they are not a matter of course. If we lose gratitude, respect and appreciation, this will also be reflected in the outside world in some way (“Law of Attraction” see list of books).

Learning and advancement

So other people mirror us and this gives us the opportunity to see, dissolve and transform our "shadows". Try not to judge your weaknesses or devalue yourself because of them, but simply recognize the characteristics first and work to resolve them. In doing so, you take responsibility for it. A prerequisite for this is unconditional honesty with yourself and the admission that you have certain weaknesses and also the willingness to deal with them. Feelings of guilt are an indication that you cannot forgive yourself for a mistake or weakness, and maybe that's where you will work first. Typical weaknesses are, for example, comfort, discouragement, stubbornness / lack of insight, dishonesty, negligence, impatience, unable to forgive or excessive criticism, righteousness, judgment, waste of time, negative outlook on life, ingratitude etc. Push or transfer the blame for your dissatisfaction and weaknesses If possible, not on others and start working on yourself and changing yourself. This enables you to lead a self-determined and responsible life. We are here to learn and that includes mistakes / weaknesses and sometimes difficult life experiences.

Illnesses and Physical Symptoms

Behind pain, suffering and injuries there are always judgments and false beliefs. Physical illnesses and symptoms also have their own “language”. Here, too, you can learn a lot about yourself. The severity of the illness does not matter, because nothing comes to us “by chance”. Do yourself with your body. In a very simple method, called "focusing" (see list of books), even the layperson can learn to come into contact and communicate with his body and his feelings.

You can get insightful and valuable answers. If the soul is free from false beliefs, the body usually remains healthy. So start with your own commitment, with your own intuition, the "focusing" method and with additional relevant literature (see below) to research what your body and soul would like to tell you. As with our weaknesses, it is a matter of accepting the disease or symptom first, because any defense only makes the condition worse. Of course, you can and should continue to use traditional medicine and supplement it with the additional information gained.

If you like this text, you should also read the following quiz:
Quiz: Self-love - the key to happiness, contentment and health

Recommended reading

Mirror law and other regularities

  • The Power of Intuitive Intelligence-Dr. Müller-Kainz (mirror law)
  • The Secret-Rhonda Byrne (Law of Attraction)
  • The Spiritual Life Advisor-Diana Cooper (Hermetic Laws)

Inner child / true and false self (false beliefs)

  • Reconciliation with the inner child-Erika Chopich / Margaret Paul
  • The workbook on reconciliation with the inner child-Erika Chopich / Margaret Paul

Language and meaning of physical illnesses and symptoms

  • Focusing-Following the voice of the body-Ann Weiser Cornell
  • What diseases tell us- Dr. Elfrida Müller-Kainz
  • Heal your body- Louise Hay
  • Illness as a way- Thorwald Dethlefsen / Ruediger Dahlke

editorial staff:

Graduated psychologist & alternative practitioner
Susanne Juranic born June 17th, 1972
Brunnangerstr. 5a, 82319 Starnberg
Phone: 08151-99 89 89
Mobile: 0163-458 53 62

Vita: Study of psychology at the J.W.-Goethe University in Frankfurt am Main. After completing his studies, moved to Starnberg in 2002. Training as a naturopath at the Center for Naturopathy in Munich. In addition, courses in shamanism, Chinese medicine and chakra work, self-study with holistic approaches and healing methods from different cultures. Since 2002 freelance for the working group dyslexia e.V., implementation of dyslexia therapy with children. Since 2007 independent consultancy in own practice, practice for holistic individual and couple counseling.

Publisher: Walter Braun, Kirchenstraße79, 81675 Munich,
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